Missing Myself.

I got my inspiration to write while I was waiting in the car dealership for my oil change to finish up. I brought my personal journal along that I’ve had since November of 2015, knowing that the oil change would take a decent amount of time. As I opened it to write, I noticed that two years prior I was doing the same thing: writing in my journal, waiting for my oil change.

So much has changed since then; including myself. I started writing and thinking about the things I miss that I used to do back then, who I was back then and realized I’m not me (other than the obvious progression of change with age).

I know that sounds weird to say, “I’m not me”. But hear me out, because I know that things happen in your life that change you and the way you go about life. I know that you mature and see the world differently. I’ve just realized that the things that I used to love to do, I don’t do anymore. The problem is: I don’t know why or when I stopped doing them, and I miss them. I miss who I was when I did these things. And this isn’t me saying I miss everything about two years ago, not by a long shot, I’m just saying that there’s a part of me, a cherished part of me, that I’ve lost.

If you’re still not understanding, I’ll give some examples:
— I don’t open the windows and blinds like I used to.
– This may sound weird but I’ve done this since I can remember. I love looking outside, feeling the breeze, hearing nature (or cars, whatever) and having the fresh air and natural light in my home.
— I don’t blast music and jam out; while I clean, in the car, while I get ready for the day, etc.
– This may be because I get up much earlier and share a room with someone now vs two years ago, but for the other situations where I could, I don’t, and I don’t know why.
— I don’t go to the gym religiously anymore.
– This is just general health and should be something I never stopped, but I did and I’m having so much trouble getting back there. I don’t even think about it as a choice anymore. I think to watch Netflix or Hulu, or take a nap, and call it a day / night. Two years ago I had a six pack (that’s right), since then I’ve gained nearly 15 pounds (though I’ve lost 8 pounds since that massive gain [YAY ME]).
— I don’t get out of the house as much as I used to.
– This is something that is super super bad for my depression. During my darkest time I would spend all of my free time in my apartment (usually in my room, since I lived with my sister). Lately I’ve spent my free time inside, watching shows or movies and sleeping, whereas I used to go out to run errands, write, exercise, get out of a common area (home, school, work) to get a change of scenery.

Addressing these issues, both personally and now publicly, should probably make me be more determined to get back to the ‘me’ that I’m missing. I just fear that I don’t have the independence that I used to. Not that I’m not living with my own money or able to do anything on my own — because I am and can. I just mean that I’m living with my boyfriend and we have a dog together so I feel guilty leaving them both (or just my dog) at home while I’m out doing whatever it is.

I know I need to do what I need for myself, I’m just struggling to accept that, I guess. I never knew that I’d be able to acknowledge these traits of myself dissipating and have the mindset to get back to them. I used to just adapt myself to whoever I was dating and get back to myself when we broke up. This time is different; my boyfriend supports me tremendously and understands the things I need to do to help better myself. For that I am forever grateful because I never dated someone who cares so much about my well-being (physical and mental) that they help me through the never-ending ups and downs I’ve encountered. This time I know that if… when* I get back into these things I’ve grown to miss that I’ll have the support and push that I need, by my side, to get back to the me I’ve been craving to have.

I did say in earlier posts that I need to do what I need for my own happiness. Who am I if I don’t get back to someone I was and loved for my own happiness? I need to make changes, I’ve gotten uncomfortable with many aspects of myself and life lately that these few adaptations should be a push towards bigger and better changes. Life can only go up from here. Right?

– Lizzie KJ

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