I’ve stared at this blank screen for eternity.
I’ve done nothing productive today but brush my teeth.
I had plans; gym, mani / pedi, coffee, some sushi — not exactly in that order but you get it.
Did I do any of it? Nope. Not one.
I woke later than I’m used to, but early enough to eat breakfast. After that… back in bed. I’ve been here for the entire day, getting up for the bathroom and some water or to let my dog outside, laying in bed and binge-watching Netflix.
It’s weird though, because although I’ll say I’ve done nothing at all today, I realistically am doing something. We’re never not doing something, we just like to say we did nothing. I have laid in bed and watched shows all day, had breakfast, used the restroom and what have you… but in my head I’ve done nothing. Nothing I planned to do. Nothing I truly wanted to do. Nothing productive.
My clothes have been wrinkling in a basket since the beginning of the week. They’re clean, have been since Monday, but they’ve been there and now it’s Sunday evening. What sucks is I know they need to be folded. I also know I won’t do it tonight. Each day I think, “Tomorrow, definitely tomorrow”, and another day passes.
I told my mom on Monday evening that I miss her and meant to call her the day prior… I haven’t reached back out, haven’t called… thought about calling her today but didn’t have the energy to hold a conversation.
I’ve been in my room all day again today. Shutting the world out that lives around me. Avoiding people by not going out to the places I had planned for the day. I don’t want to force myself to be happy. I do that enough during the week at my full-time job. I wish I could tell people in public that I don’t want to talk and that they’d understand. Then they’d continue on with their day like I wasn’t just the weirdest person they encountered all day who they’ll probably tell their friends about later with laughs. I wish I could just go and get coffee, have a mani / pedi with zero conversation, go to a bookstore maybe and return home — all without more than 10 words being spoken.
I also wish I just had the strength to get ready and out the door, that clearly wasn’t on my side today, instead I’ve been in sweats that I’ve had since high school and a tee shirt from university. They’re the clothes I slept in, obviously. It’s not laziness — if you’re reading this and can’t understand depressive behavior — I WANTED to go out and run those errands. I had full intentions. I just couldn’t fathom the energy being drained from me with every conversation and just couldn’t get out of bed and changed. I didn’t even brush my teeth after waking until around 3pm. I felt gross not brushing them, I typically brush them right after breakfast, I just couldn’t work up that energy.
It sounds so silly writing out these thoughts and feelings. But if you’re anything like me (and I’ve been worse) then you’d understand. You’d know what I mean when I say that I just couldn’t do more than lay in bed. Even though I wanted to. Even though I planned to. I couldn’t. Maybe tomorrow.
— Lizzie KJ